Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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