i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
