If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
