I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
