Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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