There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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