College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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