Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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