I'm lost and stupid without you.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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