i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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