were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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