im drinking this country out of the recession.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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