Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Couch. On fire.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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