i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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