If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
