i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
