I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need to sanitize my soul.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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