Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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