Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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