I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
