I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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