yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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