She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
