Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
