Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So. Much. Porn.
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