Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
