I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
