Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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