You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
