I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
