I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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