just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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