WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
