i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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