I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
