my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
50% drunk capacity currently
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
