Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
