Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
