So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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