seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
