I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
