I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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