so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
