meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
