shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
