I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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