Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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