i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
