if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We are all done wearing pants today
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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