Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
