well I can't set my house on fire every night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
