Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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