I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Im part way to drunk.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
