May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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