New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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